


so we burst into colours, colours and carousals

by thekaidonovskys



Series: Becoming Three [2]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Multi, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Suicide Attempt, Polyamory, Relationship Negotiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 15:28:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2030316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Fuck what anybody else says or thinks. If you three are happy and the relationship is healthy, then that’s all that matters. Love each other and enjoy it.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	so we burst into colours, colours and carousals

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted by Tumblr user thekaidonovskys

And then Tendo just never leaves.

It only takes six months of Geneva and work and people actually giving a shit about him before his confidence is back. While he’s certainly not ready to go out on the town and find himself someone to bring home, he can handle talking to people he doesn’t know and, to a certain degree, being touched. It still elicits a flinch if he’s not ready for it - from anybody other than Newt or Hermann, that is. 

He’s doing a lot better. He just doesn’t  _want_ to leave.

And neither Hermann nor Newt ever ask him to. In fact, they seem happy to have him here, even though they’re definitely a couple and should definitely want time to themselves and their own house now that Tendo can fend for himself. It’s a little unusual, and if he thinks too hard about it he starts leaping to conclusions that do bad things to his mind and he really has to stop.

(It’s not his fault if he wants the conclusions to be true).

***

Newt has a bit of a confession to make. 

In his relationship with Hermann, right from the word go, it’s been very clear that honesty - and upfront honesty - is key. No hiding things, no beating around the bush, just plain and simple. As soon as something happens, they tell the other. It’s served them well.

Technically Newt could have come forward with this one about a week ago but he’s wanted to be sure, in his own mind, before doing so. And now that he is, now that he knows where this sits, he takes it to Hermann.

“Finally decided to let me in?” Hermann asks when Newt sits him down in their room, door closed so nobody (read: Tendo) can overhear them. He smiles at Newt’s surprised expression. “You think I didn’t notice your little internal dialogue this week? I trusted you would tell me when you were ready, hence not pushing it, but I’m very curious. It seems important.”

“It… well, kinda. It won’t change anything or - or anything like that, but I feel you need to know.”

Hermann nods. “Okay. When you’re ready.”

Newt takes a deep breath. “I - um. Well.” And then, before he can lose his nerve; “I have feelings for Tendo.”

Hermann arches a brow and stays perfectly silent.

“I  _swear_ , it’s not going to impact on us, it’s nothing I’d ever act on and I still love you so much, Hermann, I don’t want to leave you or anything like that, but - but you have to know that they’re there. And I can suppress them and if worst comes to worst I can ask Tendo to leave but I don’t  _want_ to do that, he likes it here and he shouldn’t be punished for my ridiculous heart and -“

“Best to breathe at some point, love,” Hermann says, and he sounds amused. “Then you can let me get a word in to say I already knew.”

“You - what?”

“It was obvious,” Hermann says, as if  _that’s_ obvious. “You two have always been close and now you are in close proximity and he did just about die six months ago. You have protected him and helped him and naturally feelings grow from that. It’s okay.”

“Really?”

Hermann smiles, and suddenly it’s shy. “How could I judge you when I feel the same?”

“You…  _what?_ ”

“I know you are far closer than I am to him but the tenderness that has been a part of our relationship with him has simply grown into… into more. I find myself unable to suppress it and, like you, I would never act on it without your consent or let it interfere with us.”

Newt keeps staring. “Well,” he says finally. “That’s… um.”

“It is, quite,” Hermann agrees. “Because the question is, how does Tendo feel?”

“Oh, fuck. We can’t tell him.”

“Why not?”

“He… Hermann, he got raped. And he tried to kill himself. And - and if he doesn’t feel the same, he’s going to want to leave and that’s totally okay but he’s got nowhere to go and I don’t want to chase him out -“

“And if he does feel the same?”

Newt flounders for a minute. “You think he might?”

“I have my suspicions, yes. But if he did, love, would you want to include him?”

“Um… well.” Newt ducks his head. “Yeah,” he admits. 

“Good. As would I.” Hermann laughs when Newt’s head shoots up again. “Stop looking so surprised, darling, do you really think I don’t care for him?”

“Of course you do, I know that, I just - I didn’t think you’d want to share.”

“I don’t see it as sharing. I see it as finally including someone who is already woven into our lives.”

And when Hermann puts it that way, it just sounds perfect. “But I don’t think Tendo’s gonna go for it,” Newt argues. “I mean, he hasn’t been with anybody for ages and now there’s  _two_ of us asking.”

“There’s only one way to find out.”

“Oh god, you want to…”

“Shh.” Hermann kisses him, hands cupping his face gently. “No matter what happens, I don’t think we’re going to lose Tendo in any form. But we need to be honest with him, starting now. Be brave, and come with me.”

***

Tendo gets an inkling that something’s going on when Hermann and Newt, hand-in-hand, knock at his bedroom door where he’s tapping away at his laptop. “Could we speak to you?” Hermann asks.

“Yeah, sure, let me just -“ Tendo saves everything, shuts the lid, then hops off the bed and comes out. “Everything okay?”

“Come and sit down.”

He follows and sits across from them at the table. Hermann looks at Newt, who just shrugs. “You’re the eloquent one, this is all yours.”

Hermann sighs. “Very well. We have something we want to discuss with you, Tendo, and please be aware that this is not a request or a suggestion or anything of the sort, simply a… a state of events. And you have no obligations to do anything, nor do we believe you will.”

“Alright,” Tendo says slowly. “Sure, no problem.”

Hermann smiles. “We - Newton and I, we have been… well, first of all, having you here these past six months has been wonderful. Truly.”

“Is this the part where you kick me out because you want to get married or something?”

“No, no, certainly not. Quite the opposite.”

“You’re  _breaking up_?”

“Not that kind of opposite,” Newt says with a laugh. “He means the opposite of kicking you out so we can have couple space.”

Tendo contemplates that, even as his heart begins to beat a little faster. “So you’re  _not_ kicking me out… you’re asking me to stay? And you don’t want ‘couple space’ as you so eloquently put it, but you’re not breaking up, so you…”

“Let’s just get it out in the open,” Hermann says suddenly. “Tendo - Newton and I, while still being deeply in love with one another, find that we have also developed feelings for you. In short, we are asking if there is any chance you might feel the same and, if so, would you consider entering our relationship?”

Tendo kinda can’t breathe for a second, except it’s not a panic attack. It’s a  _good_ attack. It’s -

“Oh holy wow, yes,” he blurts out, then laughs when Newt and Hermann exchange a shocked look. “What, you thought I’d say  _no_? I could’ve left like three months ago and been a-okay but I didn’t want to - I didn’t want to leave you two. Even if it’d never… if this had never happened or been a possibility, just being near you was enough. So… wait. Is polyamory legal here? Because Australia’s still iffy on the whole same sex thing, let alone more than two people.”

“Australia is backwards and ignorant and does not understand that a war of the magnitude we experienced naturally changes the world, and ridiculous things such as limitations on the number of partners doesn’t matter anymore. Geneva allows all demonstrations of love as long as they are consensual and safe, and there is none of this business of needing to be married to be considered next of kin. You already have Newton’s name as your emergency contact, if you add mine it will be enough to show our status.”

“And there’s a census in May,” Newt adds. “You should see the amount of room they leave on there for relationship status - it’s just a massive blank box. No restrictions.”

It’s all going a bit fast now and Tendo needs a second to breathe. “So… so you two want me,” he finally says, and they both nod. “We’re talking equal relationship? I mean, I know I’m late to the party but… but it’s really important to me that I’m not just here as something extra, for fun for you two.”

He sees a look pass between the two of them, then each one takes one of his hands. “There is no  _us two_ anymore,” Newt says. “There’s us three. It’s as simple as that.”

“You’ll catch up,” Hermann says, smiling. “You already know us well, we just have to transition it to a romantic relationship.”

“But, wait, hang on,” Tendo says, suddenly feeling a little cold. “Sex -“

“We’re not even discussing that yet,” Newt says firmly. “We get it, man, don’t worry. Let’s just work out the dynamic here and all the other stuff and just get the three of us comfortable and happy and then we’ll work out where we stand.”

“But we assure you,” Hermann adds, “that there is no condition on you being able to do certain things, nor any pressure for you to reach a certain point. We want you as you are, Tendo, and we accept that it comes with some struggles, but that’s okay. It’s much better than the alternative of not having you at all.”

The double meaning - and the huge amount of emotion - in that has Tendo pulling his hands back so he can hide his face in them. “Am I gonna be the one who always cries in this relationship?” he asks as he feels fingers - Newt’s, he can already tell them apart - card through his hair gently. “Because there’s a definite inequality here.”

Hermann laughs. “Newton was the emotional one before you. It’s okay, we need someone to balance out my stiff upper lip.”

“Don’t even pretend you didn’t cry over your birthday present, babe.”

“That’s a story I’m going to need to hear,” Tendo says, lifting his head and wiping the tears away. “I think there are a lot of stories I’m going to want to catch up on, actually.”

“We’ve got all the time in the world,” Hermann says with a smile. “And I’m certain you and Newt have things that you can share with me, as your friendship outdates mine and Newt’s too.”

“That’s true. Our…  _connection_ certainly does that.”

Hermann blinks. “I’m sorry, your what?”

“Oh, shit,” Newt says suddenly, “did I not - I swear I told you, Herms.”

“Clearly not. You and Tendo have -?”

“Jaeger Academy,” Tendo explains. “It’s a cold and lonely place and we were really drunk the first time but after that it was just about comfort. Once we got to the ‘dome, though, we went our separate ways.”

Thank god Hermann doesn’t look upset. On the contrary, he seems relieved. “Well that certainly helps matters, that the two of you have already connected on such a level. There’s a layer of comfort already there.”

“And obviously you two are very  _comfortable_  so… so that just leaves us.”

This time he’s the one who reaches out, and Hermann takes his hand easily. “I don’t think that’ll be difficult at all, when we get there. When you’re ready. For now, let’s just work on becoming three.”

“Should we talk to Mary?”

Hermann nods, then explains. “You've met Mary, who works down the hall from us? She doesn’t discuss it a lot, but she’s in a polyamorous relationship with three others - two men from the military and, more recently, Sasha, from the other lab.”

Tendo raises an eyebrow. “Oh wow, okay. I didn’t - but now that you say it, it kinda makes sense. So she’ll help?”

“We thought she might be able to explain some of the intricacies of it all.”

“Yeah, cool, absolutely. Mary’s… she’s one of the good ones.”

Because there are some of Newt and Hermann’s coworkers who Tendo struggles a bit with - everybody on their floor is kind enough, but in any mixed facility there are always going to be those who are a little disdainful of the scientists, and Tendo is still kind of sensitive to stuff like that. 

“Good,” Newt says, reclaiming his other hand. “I talked to her briefly last week… well, okay, I complained that I had feelings for someone other than my partner and then I might’ve cried on her shoulder when she told me to tell Hermann because I thought I was gonna lose him -“

“See?” Hermann says, smiling fondly at Tendo as he puts his arm around Newt’s shoulders. “Plenty of emotion in this one. As if you ever would have lost me, love.”

Tendo nods. “If Hermann hadn’t… I would’ve left, trust me. I’d never have gotten between the two of you if I wasn’t wanted.”

“We don’t even need to think about it now,” Hermann says, squeezing his hand. “But continue, Newton.”

“Right, yeah. She said that if it did happen, the one thing to remember is that there are no predefined rules. We make it work how we want it to work, and how we need it to work. Whether that be a scheduled sort of thing or defined amounts of time so that we’re all connecting or… or none of that, just taking it as it is. As long as we’re all happy and getting what we need, then it’s all going to be okay. She did say that some people start off as treating it as separate relationships, but I don’t think we - well, even when it was platonic, we were really always three anyway, weren’t we?”

Tendo thinks back to the night he finally told them what led him to attempting suicide, to Newt’s arm around his shoulders and Hermann’s hand in his, and nods. “I’ve always had both of you there, but I’ve never felt like it was both of you and then me. I felt like a part of things, even when I wasn’t really.”

“Good. That’s really, really good.”

Tendo clears his throat. “I - um, I don’t think I’m ready to share your bed, though, even just for sleeping. Is that -?”

“This happens at your pace,” Hermann says. “You are allowed to feel or want or need anything. None of us have done this sort of thing before, so we’re all learning. Just… just please be honest with us at all times.”

“Don’t feel like we’ll judge or decide to change our minds,” Newt adds. “We won’t. We just need to know that we’re doing the right things by you, because we know how to look after one another but we want to be certain that you’re happy. Because man do you deserve to be.”

“Oh god, stop it, I’m seriously going to cry.”

And he does, and Newt puts his arms around him and Hermann holds his hands and Tendo can’t actually remember the last time he was this happy. 

***

“Well, first of all, congratulations. Totally saw it coming, Carlos owes me twenty bucks now.”

Newt laughs. “Happy to oblige.”

Mary grins. “And hey, it looks like the three of you are pretty comfortable already.”

They look it, Newt knows, because they haven’t discussed anything further, not even kissing, but holding hands and putting their arms around one another has been the basis of their contact and communication for months now, and it’s easy. So the fact that they’re all sitting together, essentially entwined into each other, makes  _comfortable_ the operative word. 

“I’d never really understood it,” Hermann admits. “You and your partners… but it makes a lot of sense now.”

“Good. You’ve got the basic rule that there aren’t any, right?” They nod, and Mary chuckles. “Well there are actually a few. But they’re not so much - well, it’s common sense really, but you should still definitely all talk about it a lot. First thing I should check; where are you at on sex?”

“Not yet,” Tendo says, surprising Newt with his boldness. “I mean, those two are and have been for years so they’re - but I’m not there yet.”

Mary nods. “Okay, we’ll just run through the non-sexual interactions. I’ve only recently had Sasha join, before her it was me and the boys for a good four years, so I think I can help advise for a three-way partnership. First things first: are you exclusive?”

“You mean the three of us, to each other?” Hermann asks. “Yes, definitely. We wouldn’t close our doors completely if we happened to find another like we have with Tendo, but none of us are going outside this relationship for anything.”

“And you all agree on that?” Newt and Tendo nod. “Good. Those are the sorts of things you need to know immediately. And I think I can figure this one out from just looking at the three of you, but this isn’t a compartmented relationship thing, is it? It’s not one of you dating two people?”

“Definitely not,” Newt says. “We’re all together.”

“That helps things a lot. Who’s the jealous one?”

They look between each other, uncertain. Hermann finally clears his throat. “I will admit that I am… sometimes envious of the ease of connection between Newton and Tendo. I have that with Newton but not so much with Tendo.”

“We’ll get there,” Tendo promises him. “I mean, I look at you and Newt and I realize that one day I could be as close to both of you as you are to each other and that’s… that’s  _exciting_ , man. But I don’t begrudge you your time alone.”

“And I certainly have no qualms about you and Newton being close or wish to stop that. Like you say, I just look forward to having the same.”

“I’m just sort of the luckiest guy on earth,” Newt says honestly, and they all laugh. “I think - well, yeah, there might be stuff that comes up but I think we’re all well equipped to handle it. It’s not like Tendo’s just showing up for the first time - we’ve had him here for six months, we’ve already worked out how we all fit together. We just need to bring it to the romantic level.”

“You’re making this very easy,” Mary says with a smile. “That said, this relationship has grown from protectiveness and care, so that’s an easy transition.” She reaches into her bag and pulls out a notebook. “Shall I tell you the five main things I’ve learned from polyamory?”

“Please do.”

She flips to the right page and clears her throat. “One: know yourself. Know what you’re bringing to the table, what you want and don’t want and what you can offer your partners, and make sure you know where you aren’t so compatible, because no couple ever matches up perfectly, let alone three people, but you can still easily make it work as long as you know where those divides are. Two: if two of you are having an argument, the third must  _not_ take sides. They need to mediate it out, or stay well out of it until it’s sorted out. Three: be selfless. One person might require more attention, or may have certain needs that only one of the others can provide for, and that’s okay. You’re still loved. However; four: if you’re unhappy or feeling neglected,  _tell the others._ You’re in this together, and you should all be feeling like you’re an equal and getting an equal amount of love. And five: fuck what anybody else says or thinks. If you three are happy and the relationship is healthy, then that’s all that matters. Love each other and enjoy it.”

And while they all mull that over, she gives them the page. “Put it somewhere visible. It’s not going to be this easy the whole time, trust me, but if you keep to the main principles then you’ll make it. And I know you have added challenges,” she adds, her voice gentle as she looks at Tendo - because everybody knows, they had to know the first time Tendo had a panic attack in the building, “but you can overcome anything. One thing I do need to ask about sex - will you two be continuing?”

“They’d fucking better,” Tendo says before either one of them can answer. “I have no idea how long it’s gonna take until I’m ready and I’m not letting them go celibate for me. And there are things that - well, um, you know. Anyway, I don’t feel like I’m losing out on anything by not being able to join them, because I know that when it’s time they’ll let me in happily. And I know that I’ll get there one day, because of them. Because I trust them to… to look after me and not hurt me.”

Newt looks over at Hermann, who looks like he’s struggling fiercely to hold back tears. “We are so goddamn proud of you,” Newt murmurs. “And I’m even more proud because you just turned Hermann into the emotional one for a change.”

“Oh hush,” Hermann mutters, resting his forehead on Tendo’s shoulder. “It means a great deal to hear you say that, Tendo.”

“Well it’s true. And I did swear to be honest at all times.” 

Newt smiles and puts his arm around Tendo to squeeze Hermann’s shoulder. “As long as we take it slow, I think we’re going to make this work.”

***

They take it very very slow.

***

“Tendo,” Newt says one evening, when Hermann’s working late and it’s just them, curled up on the couch. “At some point soon, I’d like to kiss you.”

Tendo takes that in very carefully and calmly like he’s been instructed to do, then nods. “I’d like that too,” he says. “Thanks for asking instead of just…”

“No, man, I’d never do that, and not just because - I mean, even with Hermann I asked. Except he told me I was being ridiculous, and then kissed me.”

Tendo laughs. “So, you just want to…”

“If you’re ready.”

“I think so.”

Newt puts his arms around Tendo’s neck. “Remember, if it’s too much, just stop.”

Tendo nods. Newt’s too close for him to not be doing anything and Tendo definitely wants him to do something, so he closes his eyes and waits, and when Newt kisses him it’s comfort and ease and remembrance and Tendo falls into it so simply, like muscle memory but so much more. This isn’t some late-night thing, drunk and alone at the Academy, this is  _real_ and them and, most importantly, this isn’t Tendo kissing Hermann’s partner like he feared, this is Tendo kissing Newt, Newt who might be Hermann’s but is also very much his. 

They break apart after a while and Tendo presses his forehead to Newt’s collarbone, holding him tight. “Was that okay?” Newt asks gently. 

“More than okay. Definitely. I want to do more of that.”

“Well you’re not going to be able to from there,” Newt says, sounding amused, as he gently rolls his shoulder. “My lips are up here.”

Tendo shakes his head in mock exasperation, then lifts his head and kisses Newt again. He feels like he could lose himself here, forget his past and everything else and just kiss Newt for as long as heavenly possible, and Newt doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to go anywhere else so Tendo decides to do just that, hands on Newt’s shoulders while Newt gently rests his hands on Tendo’s waist.

And that’s how they are when Hermann walks in.

They break apart immediately, of course - because they’d do that if anybody were walking in - and Tendo’s holding onto Newt’s shoulders a little too tight, but Hermann just smiles. “Looks like some progress has been made tonight,” he says, hanging up his keys. “It’s good to see. I’m going to make a cup of tea, would anybody else like one?”

“Hey, no, you’ve been working all evening,” Newt says, letting go of Tendo and jumping to his feet. “I’ll do it, you sit.”

“If you insist,” Hermann says, and Newt pauses to kiss him before going through to the kitchen. Hermann takes Newt’s vacated seat and smiles at Tendo. “How are you feeling?” he asks.

“A little conflicted,” Tendo has to admit - because honesty, always honesty. “I really liked it but I couldn’t help but feel guilty when you came in.”

“Okay,” Hermann says with a nod. “That’s okay. But why?”

“Well I was kissing your -“

He’s silenced by Hermann’s finger against his lips. “ _Our_ ,” Hermann says firmly. “He’s not mine - well, of course he still is, but he’s not exclusively mine anymore. Newton is as much yours to be with and kiss as he is mine. I can assure you that, apart from being a touch surprised, I had absolutely no adverse feelings about what I saw. The important thing is that you were comfortable with it - were you?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Good. And if I were to kiss you now - which I won’t, not while you’re still fragile -“ and when Hermann uses that word it’s with so much care and respect that Tendo can’t find it insulting at all, “ - and Newton were to walk in, there would be no negative response from him either. It’s just like when the two of us kiss in front of you, like we did less than a minute ago. It’s one of those things that comes with having three people in one relationship - we share, and we witness things and… well -“

It’s unusual for Hermann to be the hesitant one, and Tendo gently pushes. “Hey, what is it?”

“Nothing bad,” Hermann promises. “I suppose I can admit that I did…  _like_ what I saw. You two look lovely together. After all, the two people whom I care about most in the world, sharing a moment of intimacy between them, it’s quite frankly a beautiful thing.”

“You’re  _definitely_ the softie,” Tendo says, then curls himself around Hermann when he splutters in protest. “See, that’s what I see when it’s you and Newt, so I get it. And since I know that’s how you feel too, I’m feeling a lot better about this all.”

“Good,” Hermann says, running his fingers down Tendo’s back in a way that always makes him shiver. “And soon enough it will be us, and Newton will get to feel the same.”

“Soon, huh? Is that a promise?”

“Very much so.”

“Good. I’m looking forward to it.”

Newt returns with mugs of tea, budges Tendo over so he can join them, and they spend the rest of the evening in companionable comfort. 

***

It’s very different with Hermann.

“I want you to take control,” Hermann says. He’s holding one of Tendo’s hands, the other around his shoulders and gently rubbing the back of his neck, and Tendo appreciates the gesture because it’s one thing with Newt who he’s actually  _been_ with before, and it’s not that he doesn’t trust Hermann, it’s just  _different_. “I want you to be able to know exactly what’s happening and know that you can stop it or take it further or whatever you choose, whenever you choose.”

It’s exactly what he needs, and therefore Tendo doesn’t hesitate. He shocks Hermann a little, he can tell, but as the kiss deepens and he lifts his free hand to cup Hermann’s cheek, he knows it’s not a bad shock. “Okay, I get why you and Newt are kissing all the time,” he murmurs when they break for air. “You’re both fucking _phenomenal._ ”

Hermann chuckles and kisses him again lightly. “You’re not half bad yourself, Mr. Choi.” 

“You’re  _not_ turning my last name into a term of endearment, are you? ‘Cause I can think of at least five better ones than that.”

“Mm, can you? We’ll have to discuss that later.”

“A lot later.”

They get a lot longer than Newt and Tendo had, but after about ten minutes Tendo still has to end it. “Too much?” Hermann asks, and when Tendo nods he backs right off and gives him plenty of room. “That’s okay. You’re not panicking?”

“No, no I’m okay. Just not used to…”

Because he’s a little lightheaded and out of control and really, right now he could ask Hermann to take him to bed and promise to do all sorts of things and maybe he even could deliver on them but Tendo knows in his heart he’s not ready, he’s more likely to have a panic attack, and they haven’t talked about it yet so it’s not going to happen. But he wants it, and the want scares him.

So he calms himself down and Hermann stays with him, and in the end they fall to talking about work and things of no consequence, and eventually Tendo makes his way back to Hermann’s side and a little more eventually leads them back to more kissing and it’s good, it’s all good. 

***

“Tendo?” Hermann asks one night, looking over his laptop lid at him. “Are you busy?”

Tendo closes his own laptop. “Not too busy for you. What’s up?”

Hermann does the same and, at the end of the table, Newt as well. “Need some time?” he asks.

“No, you’re fine, love,” Hermann says absently. “And… well, thats what I wanted to talk to you about right there.”

Tendo frowns. “I’m afraid you’ve lost me. Time?”

“No, no, what I called Newton. Terms of endearment… pet names.”

“Oh. Yeah, we did talk about talking about that. You want to -?”

“Is that something you’d be comfortable with?”

“Um, yes. Entirely.” Hermann smiles, and Tendo returns it. “Did you - was there something in particular you had in mind?”

“Well that’s what I needed to ask. Is there anything that might be triggering?”

Tendo’s gotten very good at not automatically shutting down when he’s asked about that night. It’s a lot harder to actually go through the memories, but he does it, knowing it matters. “Um, yeah,” he says finally. “One of them called me… I’m sorry, I can’t -“

Hermann slides over his notebook and pen. “It’s okay. Write it down.”

“Thank you.” Tendo’s hand is shaking a little as he writes  _pretty boy_ and slides it back to Hermann. “I mean, if it’s - obviously different context, it’s okay if you want to, but -“

“It won’t happen,” Hermann says gently. He hands the book to Newt, who nods his agreement, then rips the page out and crumples it up to toss in the fire. “I don’t like that particular adjective anyway. I find you far too beautiful to settle for anything less.”

Tendo knows he’s blushing. “So what were you thinking then?” he asks.

“Well, I don’t want to use any of the ones I already use for Newton, and I call him  _love_ and  _darling_. For you, I think I’d like to call you  _sweetheart._ What do you think?”

It settles in Tendo’s heart in a way he’s still getting used to, and he nods quickly. “I - yeah. Definitely. Please.”

Hermann smiles. “I’ll start using it then.”

“Can I get in on this too?” Newt asks. “Because I’ve kinda got one I wanted to use.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

Newt rubs the back of his neck. “It’s - well, okay, I know you don’t really go for the whole ethnic thing but you  _do_  speak Spanish and stop me right now if this is a stupid idea -“

“It’s not,” Tendo says, taking his hand. “It’s sounding like a pretty good idea since I know you’re fluent enough not to butcher the language. Which one?”

“ _Querido.”_

Tendo lifts Newt’s hand and kisses the back of it - and it’s impulsive and easy and by the look on Newt’s face, welcome. “I like that, a lot.”

And then, because he can, because he’s missed being so free in giving his affection, he takes Hermann’s hand and does the same. “I forgot you were such a charmer,” Hermann teases. 

“I did too,” Tendo admits. “But it’s coming back to me.”

“So is your confidence,” Newt says, smiling softly.

“Well, that’s all down to you two. I mean, I would’ve gotten there in the end on my own, sure, but you make me feel like it’s okay, like I’m okay no matter how I am or how screwed up I feel sometimes. And it’s not - I’ll never be who I was. I get that. But I’m becoming who I want to be.”

He gets kissed by both of them for that, and then they all go back to work, but with an air of humming contentment. 

It’s happening more and more these days. 

***

Tendo clears his throat one night, and two pairs of eyes snap in his direction. “I was wondering something,” he begins.

“Wonder away.”

“It - well it involves a slightly prying question -“

“There’s no such thing between us,” Hermann reminds him gently. “What is it?”

“Were you two planning on having sex tonight?”

Newt looks to Hermann, who shrugs. “We could go either way. Why’s that?”

“Well, if you don’t - or it could be another night if you do want to but - I kind of want to try sharing your bed. If thats - god, we never discussed it, I mean I said I wasn’t ready but you guys never said I actually  _could_ -“

“Of course you can,” Hermann cuts in firmly. 

“We want you,” Newt adds. “We’ve started noticing your absence without you ever having been there, and no way were we going to put the pressure on you but we’re actually pretty glad you’re asking.”

“Oh,” Tendo says. Then, his voice smaller, he carries on. “But - well, nightmares.”

“Do you think there’s a chance? The last one was twenty-seven days ago.”

“You would keep count,” Tendo says, shaking his head fondly. “I mean, no more chance than usual. I’m just worried about what would happen if I had one and woke up with people there.”

“Are you willing to take the chance?”

Tendo nods. “Are you two?”

He doesn’t even need to ask. 

***

Newt wakes in the morning with Hermann on one side and Tendo on the other. 

He and Hermann have always naturally gravitated apart in their sleep, then find one another again in the morning. But Tendo is curled into his side and he still makes himself small in his sleep and that still hurts Newt’s heart to see, but he looks comfortable and relaxed and thank  _god_ for that. 

They’d been worried about him doing a myriad of things - nightmares, panic attacks, lashing out in his sleep, ending up on the floor (which happened too often in the first few months for their comfort), or even disappearing altogether. But he’s here.

Newt’s not naive enough to think this means it’s going to be this way every time. But he knows it can be, and that’s the important thing. 

There’s only the smallest moment of panic when Tendo wakes up - and it’s only a few minutes later so Newt didn’t watch him for  _that_ long - but when he catches Newt’s eyes it quickly fades. “Hey,” he mumbles, and curls a little closer and okay, half-asleep Tendo is  _adorable_. “I’m still here.”

“Yeah, you are. Well done  _querido._ ”

Tendo smiles. “I like that a lot, have I told you yet?”

“You did mention that.”

“Hermann awake?”

“Nah, not for awhile. Hermann would be loathe for anybody to know it, but he loves sleeping in.”

Tendo chuckles, then props himself up on one elbow to look over Newt. “He looks so relaxed when he’s asleep,” he says after a moment. 

“So do you.”

Tendo lies back down and looks at Newt. “See, here I’d normally make some self deprecating comment about nightmares and shit, but I’m actually pretty happy right now so I’m not going to go there.”

“That’s a good choice. Hey, when you’re not having nightmares, do you dream much?” 

“Not really. Weird Shatterdome stuff sometimes, or things I don’t remember.”

“Hm, okay. ‘Cause Hermann  _never_ dreams, like ever, but I have all these weird ones -“ Newt feels movement from the other side of the bed, and winces. “Whoops. Think we woke up Hermann.”

“I should’ve known that you two would be like children at a slumber party,” Hermann says, his voice thick with sleep. “Do you have to natter away at such a godawful hour?”

“It’s eight.”

“I stand by my point. The only reason I’m not kicking you both out immediately is because Tendo’s here and as much as I’d love to be grumpy, I have to recognise the importance of this. So; Newton, move. Tendo, over here, I want to hug you. Then both of you can get out of my bed.”

Newt, laughing, does as commanded, watches as a half-asleep Hermann pulls Tendo close and murmurs something to him, then releases him and promptly rolls over to go back to sleep. Tendo grins as he follows Newt out of bed and through to the living room. “He’s adorable, isn’t he?”

“Just wait until a work morning. The reason you see me stumbling around half-asleep getting coffee is because Hermann’s still  _fully_ asleep and he won’t get up until I tempt him with caffeine.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

And Tendo doesn’t question it, doesn’t add any kind of  _is that okay?_ onto the end and Newt pulls him down onto the couch and cuddles the fuck out of him until Hermann finally deigns them with his presence. 

It’s all progress, and it’s all so important.

***

It’s just so easy, that’s the thing. 

Society tells them it shouldn’t be, tells them that there’ll be jealousy and bickering and preferential treatment, that they won’t last. They’re told it’s unnatural and not a real demonstration of love.

Tendo gets jealous sometimes - jealous that Newt and Hermann are able to sleep together so easily while he’s stuck with PTSD. But he never ever begrudges them, and he knows that one day in the future he’ll join them. He will. They’re inspiration more than anything. 

Hermann and Newt still bicker - but that’s Hermann and Newt. How could they survive without it? Sometimes Tendo even joins in for the hell of it, and it turns into a game because when they’ve survived the war and all the aftermath and come this far, they’ve got to make life fun. 

Sometimes Hermann and Newt need time to themselves, because it’s what they’ve been used to for so long and because they are, after all, having sex. Sometimes Tendo wants to be with Newt, because he’s comfortable and easy and familiar and it’s what he needs. Sometimes Hermann wants Tendo, wants to fuss over him and care for him and since that’s how Hermann shows his feelings best, Tendo lets him. And whenever any of those pairings happen, the third leaves them to it, usually heading back to the lab because if there’s any signs of a fourth in their relationship, it’s definitely the lab. 

Kaiju are unnatural. Raping and threatening to kill someone half your size because he’s different is  _fucking_ unnatural. Love is as easy as breathing and the most important thing in a post-war world, no matter the form. 

As for love… 

***

Tendo still needs time to himself sometimes, and the others are only too happy to give it. 

They’re always waiting when he comes out of his room though - not that it’s going to be his much longer, they’re really very close to moving him in altogether - and that’s one thing Tendo loves, the way they’ll just be sitting there, not demanding him to talk but there if he wants to. Or if he just wants to curl up on the couch with them both, that’s fine too. More than fine, in fact. 

Today he’s had half an hour to himself, but not for the usual reasons. He’s calm, relaxed, no flashbacks or memories plaguing him. He’s just gearing himself up to take the next step - the one that, in his mind, means there’s no going back.

But he’s ready.

He opens the door and there they are, Newt and Hermann.  _His_ Newt and Hermann, and he just looks at them for a moment as they look back, both obviously searching his face for any signs that they need to be worried about him. 

He takes a few steps towards them, then stops. 

“I’ve been thinking over a few things,” he says, and his voice is calm. “About how - how I thought I’d never find anybody who wanted me again, let alone two. Let alone  _you_ two. And I just wanted to make it really clear how much this means to me, how  _good_ this is, not just because I’ve been through shit but just because you two are beyond incredible and I’m so lucky to have you. So I just -“

He pauses and looks at them and  _yes_  his heart murmurs,  _this is right. Do it._

_“_ I just wanted to tell you that I love you.”

And because he knows them so well, he knows immediately that he’s done the right thing. Newt’s eyes light up and he jumps off the couch and straight into Tendo’s arms. “That’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever said,” he tells him, then kisses him hard. “Oh, man,  _Tendo_ , I love you too.” 

It’s not so much relief as contentment that slides into his bones at that, but that’s only half of what he’s about to get, because Newt steps out of the way and Hermann takes his place. “You beautiful, wonderful man,” Hermann murmurs. “I love you too.”

And then Newt’s pulled back in and they’re all together and it should be awkward and confusing and certainly some of them have to love one more than the other and there are so many dynamics to it, so much that could go wrong -

And fuck all of that, Tendo thinks, because it’s  _right_. It’s right for  _them_ , and they’re the only ones they’re worried about. 

By all accounts, he should be a wreck. He should be broken and incapable of trust or love or any kind of contact like this. And the scars on his arms, slowly fading but never really gone, tell him that he should be dead. And those are all the things society tells him and if he’s overcome all of that then who on earth can tell him who to love?

He’s a fucking  _survivor,_ and more than that, he has twice as much love to give than he ever thought possible.

**Author's Note:**

> I promised it'd get fluffier. 
> 
> Title also from "Starry Eyed".


End file.
